Operation: Hookup
by ph34r teh sistahs
Summary: Sirius, iritated by James' endless pining over Evans, decides to put his best friend's obessive stalking to an end. The process is full of suspense, adventure, drama, and even... UST. Eventual JPLE and SBRL.


Operation: Accepted

11:59am September 2, 1976—Gryffindor Common Room

"Oi! Black!"

Sirius ducked behind a couch, pulling Peter with him. Hushed, so as not to alert his pursuer, he whispered, "Tell him I've gone to meet Kit. She and I have some catching up to do." He winked.

"Kingsley, have you seen Sirius? I want to–" Sirius shoved Peter to his feet, pinching him till he interrupted.

"He's meeting Kit." Sirius could hear the uncertainty in Peter's voice and crossed his fingers that the other boys were too distracted by _other things_ to hear it as well.

His pursuer moaned. "I'm the only man in the world without the ability to catch a woman." A long sigh. "You would think that he would have the courtesy to wallow in the pain of being single with me for at least the first week of term. Bastard." Sirius was doing his best to stay still as he squatted. He ignored the burgeoning pain in his thighs.

Peter squeaked, "I don't have a girlfriend." Bless his heart.

"Let's bach it together, then. How about sneaking some food from the kitchens?" He sounded particularly bright. Of course, the moment Sirius disappeared, he would perk up.

"Alright."

The tosser probably intended to lure Peter into Evans' room and beg him to steal her panties. Oh wait. He'd already tried that on Sirius.

Still squatting, Sirius waited for a couple minutes, then muttered, "Kingsley, is the coast clear?"

"He's gone."

Sirius allowed himself a sigh of relief and then bounded out of the common room, eager for new company.

He was careful to avoid the corridors leading to the kitchens. Luckily, his destination was not close to theirs. But, just in case, he dodged behind statues, paintings, or tapestries whenever he heard footsteps, lest someone, unsuspecting of his dilemma, reveal his whereabouts to the wrong people.

Upon reaching his goal, he peaked into the room before entering, a necessary precaution, as the others could have easily decided to end up here as well. They had not. He entered. Not so quietly.

12:07pm September 2, 1976—Hospital Wing, Hogwarts

Remus sighed, tossing a longing glance at the window. The sun shone in, lighting up a rectangle on the floor beside his bed, and his schoolmates laughter drifted in from the grounds below, taunting him because he was stuck inside, ill. Even if today was the first day of term, hence, the first day of lessons, he would much rather be stuck in class with his friends than stuck in this dreadful tower alone and sick.

Sick was an understatement. Last night's full moon had sent him to the shack alone, missing the Sorting Ceremony. As a result of his solitude, he'd done more damage to himself than he had in the last year. His right arm was in a sling, and there was thick bandage wrapped around his head. He'd been sick to his stomach all morning, which had done nothing to make him feel better. And on top of it all, he was missing his first day of lessons, which meant extra studying later.

He rolled over with an exasperated sigh and let his arm hang over the edge of the bed limply, a book falling to the floor with a thud. _"I might as well drown in the Black Lake." _Another sigh.

Suddently, he rolled onto his back, pulling the sheets up to his chin, blushing lightly. Sirius' dramatics were rubbing off on him.

Remus let out a squeak and almost fell off his bed as the Hospital Wing doors burst open with a bang. "Oi! Moony! How are you doing?"

"I feel like I just spent a night with a werewolf," Remus answered dryly, composing himself.

Sirius scowled despite Remus' attempt at irony and sat down on the bed. "I'd rather have spent last night with a werewolf than with James Potter."

"Has James already landed you in detention? Or did he snore all night keeping everyone awake?" Remus asked, wishing he could have been in the dorm for their first night back.

A laugh escaped Sirius' chest; it was cold. "Pretty close, Moony. He did keep Wormtail and I up the whole night." Remus frowned. "All he could talk about was Lily Evans. It was all 'Lily this,' and 'Evans that,' God! I was about to kill him! Still am, as a matter of fact."

Remus sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sure he wasn't that bad, Sirius. The boy's just madly in love. Let him be."

Sirius laughed again. "More like he's so desperate that he can no longer tell the difference between a mildly concerned friend and a homicidal roommate. He's obsessed, a stalker. And he wants to share all his 'discoveries' with us. I mean, he spent five minutes describing Evans' new pair of shoes! Cute brown sandals. Actually, I would have noticed them on my own, but that's not the point."

"I'm sure it can't be that bad," said Remus, his head beginning to pound. He must have been insane to want to spend last night with his friends, what with James' obsession and Sirius' ire. Quiet was better.

"I spent the whole summer with Prongs! He wouldn't ever shut up about Evans! He enchanted her picture onto the ceiling of his bedroom! Do you have any idea how annoying it is to go into a room with a moving picture of a woman on the ceiling? I nearly died the first time I saw it!" Sirius said, making embellishing arm motions and then collapsing on Remus' bed.

Remus winced as Sirius fell onto his sore leg. "Sirius, why don't you go tell James that you're mad at him?" he asked, wanting to get rid of his friend as soon as possible—without sounding too rude.

He received a glare as an answer. And then Sirius said, "I would, Moony, but the stupid git is clinging to the back of Evans' robes relentlessly asking her out. I wouldn't be surprised if he's dead by now. I know I would have killed him."

Remus rolled over, the his headache quickly turning into a migraine. He was beginning to see spots. "Well then, I can't do much, now can I? It's James, we can't change who he is. We just have to deal with it. Now… go bug Peter," he said.

"Wormtail worships Prongs. He can't help me at all," Sirius said, standing up in exasperation. "He's almost as upset about James' lack of a girlfriend as James is."

Again, Remus sighed. "Well, apparently you're the only one of us who can't seem to grasp the fact that James is James and James likes Lily. I think you should get used to that."

Sirius swung an arm out, knocking over a glass on Remus' nightstand. "I know he's in love, and I know that it's annoying as hell, Remus! I think that we need to do something about it!" he said, ignoring the fact that Remus was now holding a soaking pillow.

"Sirius, if you're going to destroy the hospital wing, would you kindly do it while I'm not in it?" Remus asked, ignoring his friend's ravings.

Sirius pouted, his patented puppy pout. "Come on, Moony, I was being serious—"

"When are you not?" muttered Remus, earning himself a glare.

"—I really do want to do something about them! I want to get Prongs and Evans together."

Moony closed his eyes wearily. The spots were still there. "And how do you plan on doing that?"

"With your help!" Sirius replied brightly.

"…What do you need me to do?"

"I don't know yet! But I want your help on getting those two together so that James will stop being an obsessed prat!"

Remus groaned. "I don't think we should try to get them together, Sirius. I don't think it would help, even if we succeeded."

Sirius whined. Like a dog "How could it not help?"

"James won't become any less obsessed with Lily, even if he's going out with her. It'll just be a different kind of obsessed. It might even be worse!" Remus said in exasperation.

"But we have to try! Imagine how wonderful it would be if James wasn't pinning away all day long? You might be able to study in peace! And think of all the wonderful ways that we could get them together?" Remus opened his eyes. Through his vision was blotchy, he could see that Sirius was grinning again.

Remus let a silence fall before he answered. "I really don't thin—"

"Please?" Remus tried not to look at the pout. Sirius had perfected it's execution and someday he was going to use it for more dire purposes, Remus was sure.

He sighed. "Whatever," he said, rolling away from Sirius. A wave of nausea suddenly washed over him and he wanted his friend gone as fast as possible so he could be sick in peace. His answer, he hoped, would get the job done.

Sirius jumped up and down. "I knew you'd agree to do this! Thank you, Moony! I'll just go and... plan!" Remus gave a silent cheer as Sirius began to walk toward the doors from whence he came, but groaned out loud at the sound of a new voice.

"What plan, Sirius? And where've you been? I've been looking for you all lunch." James had arrived. And spoken without mentioning Evans. Maybe Sirius was making it all up.

Sirius laughed weakly, paused and then rushed out an explanation. "Uh, well, Moony and I were making a plan to prank, uh, Peter! We were going to, um, set him up with Snivellus! So I've been here, uh, planning!"

Remus turned to see if James would buy the obvious lie and gasped. James was standing in the doorway of the Hospital Wing, absolutely bald. No hair on his head, no eyebrows, the dark hair that usually covered his arms was also missing. "James!" he said, ignoring the nausea, "What happened to your hair!" Sirius was also staring, unable to take his eyes away.

James sighed, and shook his head. "If you were going to plan something like that, why didn't you let me in on it?" he asked, looking hurt, and obviously avoiding Remus' question.

"I was making sure it was ok with Moony first, and then I was going to ask you… but… your hair!"

"Oh yeah! That… well… Let's just say that it was a vanishing charm… and I no longer have any hair… anywhere," James explained, walking toward his friends.

Remus stared. "But who...?" And then he knew the answer.

"Lily Evans."

He hoped, futilely, that Sirius was kidding about his plan.

Author's Notes:

Dedkake did most of the work on this chapter as she writes the Remus bits. Yay dedkake! Cinderalex loves her to pieces and so should you.

Please review.


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